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update, (cont.)

so the party, the girl with the boyfriend that made out with me left early, then i had to leave. since that night she’s been texting me 24/7 non-stop. she keeps trying to hang out, but she lives about 30 minutes away and my whole ride situation isn’t the greatest right now soooo it’s difficult. but i’m kinda glad we haven’t seen each other again and surprisingly this last week she hasn’t been texting me much and i’m kinda happy because she’s fucking crazy. also, she pretty much told me straight up she likes me, but won’t break up with her boyfriend….so what the fuck am i just some side game for you when your boy is away? i really realized this because over christmas break she ignored me the whhhhoooolllleeee time b/c her boyfriend was visiting, he left the 30th and guess who tried to get me to celebrate new years with them the next day, her. it’s bull shit. i’m not a second fucking choice, i’m not there when it’s convenient for you. she’s the sole reason why bisexual girls have a bad rep because they try to pull this best of both worlds bull shit. i mean i ended things with my bf because i finally came out and told him the truth that i liked girls, of course he thinks i’m just going through rough/stressful things so i’m trying to find and outlet and that he’ll be there when i “come to my senses”. -_________________________- ridiculous. but back to crazy girl who tried to out me to my friend’s mom who already hates me because she thinks i turned my friend gay so my friend”s mom hates me a tad bit more now. this girl though seemed cool at first then all this bull shit. she got so attached so quickly , it’s scary. i feel like a douche for thinking this, but i thought about just messing around with her then bailing for good, but that could end horribly and i’m not an asshole sooooooooo yeah. anyways, rant/update done.  

update,

haven’t been on tumblr much because of so much school crap, BUT on a random note i’m pretty confused. a few weeks ago at a friend’s party i saw an old friend from my soccer team and i knew she was into girls, but i didn’t really try to do anything considering she has a boyfriend. and i didn’t think she was interested, but i was way way way wrong. she ended texting me at the party because there were a lot of people at the party who don’t know i like girls and we were trying to be discreet, but she randomly starts talking about how we should go into my friend’s room since the party was outside. i didn’t really think she’d actually do it so i said yeah and not even 2 minutes late she’s in my friend’s room with me pushing me against the bed making out with me. totally unexpected, but unfortunately it didn’t last very long since her ride was leaving kind of early so yeah….i’ll finish this later people are home… 

I LIKE VAGINA.

that’s all. have a good night. 

it’s kinda hard to just let someone go, i mean i love him as a friend, but i’m not in love with him. how do you tell that to someone, how do you explain your feelings exactly. especially someone who has been there for you through so much and has pretty much been your best friend. i feel terrible, i can’t find the words or way to at least attempt to explain the whole situation without him completely hating me, but keeping him hanging on like this, living a lie, it’s beyond wrong. i’m completely fucked up. 

Counting down the days until graduation because I honestly cannot stand staying in this house any longer. I’m tired of trying to hide who I am from practically everyone. Honestly there is only one person that knows that I like girls and we came out to each other at the same time and I am completely thankful that it happened because at least with her I don’t have to hide anything and it also helps that she’s one of my best friends which made it so much easier. I’m just ready to leave here and go somewhere completely new where no one knows me and I can start out fresh and actually be myself. I know eventually I’ll have to tell my parents, but it’s hard because of how they are (well mostly my mom). I mean she sits there and claims she’s okay or tolerant of homosexuals, but then the scenario of me or one of my siblings being gay gets brought up and she freaks out and says she couldn’t handle it and blah blah blah blah. it’s frustrating.